The Ups and Downs of Deep Denial
by deerlovelylily
Summary: James Potter was in love with her and it broke his heart. Lily Evans was in love with him and it scared her to death. But with the threat of war beginning to loom over them, what James and Lily hadn't realised was that theirs was never really an unrequited love story.


**A/N: **Okay this is my first attempt at writing a multi chapter fic so don't expect it to be _amazing_... But i am super passionate about these characters and all their background stories and everything about them and I've got loads of drama planned and James/Lily sexual tension will be featuring a lot so hopefully it should be good:) I'll be trying to keep the story as close to canon as possible but there might end up being a few small alterations just because of how it's going to pan out so don't hate me if something isn't completely true to jkr

please please review if you like it because feedback is like living in a world where rabbits freely roam the streets and let you pet them, so i would love you forever.

just as a side note; It's going to begin just before they start 6th year at Hogwarts, so the whole snivelly's-worst-memory-incident will have happened just before they broke up from school for the summer holidays

Disclaimer: creds to the queen jkrowling

anyway, enjoy!

Molly x

**Chapter 1: Define 'Family'?**

"LILY!" Petunia's shrill voice shook Lily from her state of blissful unconsciousness. She rubbed the blurriness from her eyes sleepily and glanced at the clock resting on her bedside table. The hands pointed at 7:05am. _7:05 in the bloody morning, Petunia. _She rolled her eyes before angrily grabbing one of her pillows and smothering her face with it in an attempt to block out Petunia's incessant yelling. However the desired effect was not achieved as she heard footsteps join the shouting, both of which were becoming louder and louder until finally she heard her door burst open.

"Lily, are you completely deaf?" Petunia stood in the doorway, not bothering to disguise the annoyance in her voice. Lily dragged the pillow away from her face and stared at the ceiling, trying to control the urge to throw something very heavy at her beloved sister.

"What do you want Petunia?" she said in a strained voice.

"What…" Petunia began in a low voice "did you do to my room?" There was a forced slowness to her words and Lily actually sat up in surprise at how threatening it sounded. Petunia was glaring at her with sharp eyes, her knuckles white as she choked the door handle in her anger. It took Lily a couple of seconds in her state of morning grogginess for the memories of her little practical joke to come back to her.

"Oh" She breathed, her mouth forming a perfect 'O' shape as she attempted to keep the smirk from pulling on her lips.

"Oh?" said Petunia, her voice beginning to rise again. "Is that really all you can say?" Lily's lips were beginning to fail her so she reached for the pillow again, quickly pulling it over her face and falling back onto her mattress. Under the safety of her pillow barricade she managed to stifle a few giggles, but unfortunately for her they didn't go amiss by her sister.

"Lily!" she heard Petunia swing the door wide open and step into her room. _Oh dear lord, not again _she thought to herself, remembering the method Petunia had become fond of using as way of getting Lily out of bed. The inevitable happened and her door began to loudly and repeatedly slam itself shut. "Get! Up! You! Freak!" She slammed the door shut with each word she yelled. Lily rolled over and moaned, her hands still clutching the pillow over her head.

"Don't go back to sleep you little brat!" yelled Petunia indignantly, dropping the door-slamming technique and lunging forwards to tug the pillow from Lily's grasp. Before Lily could say anything, her sister sprung the curtains apart and allowed the glaring morning light to spill into her bedroom and temporarily render her blind.

"Petunia, get out of my room!" Lily yelled thickly, grabbing her second pillow and throwing it forcefully in the direction from which the sunlight was coming. As her eyesight began to come back to her she was pleased to see that her target had been hit.

"Not until you get rid of all the _frogs_ in my room!" Countered Petunia, throwing the pillow back at Lily during the emphasis of her argument. "They're _multiplying_ Lily!" she shrieked hysterically. "I don't want your freakiness hopping all around my room!"

"Yeah well I thought you'd enjoy having a few amphibian friends!" Lily yelled back, throwing her duvet away from her and swinging her legs over so she was sat on the edge of her bed. "You were the one who said you'd rather live in a ditch than live with a freak! You should be careful what you wish for, Tuney!" Petunia glared at her.

"Fix it or I'll tell dad!" she said furiously.

"He probably already knows due to the fact that you're _screaming the entire house down!_" And with that Lily got up, snatched her wand from her desk and stormed out of the room.  
She threw the door to Petunia's room open, stood and admired her spell work in appreciation for a few moments before reluctantly muttering the counter-spell and shutting the door again. She turned back to her room to find Petunia lurking by the door with a slight trace of awe on her face. That quickly disappeared when she noticed Lily looking at her, and she pushed off the wall and walked past her with her nose turned up.

"Thanks, I suppose." she murmured, as she opened her door. Just as she was about to close it again Lily spun around.

"Petunia!" she said quickly and her sister faltered and looked at her expectantly. "They were toads." she said, smirking. Petunia's face didn't however break into a smile. She rolled her eyes and shut her door impatiently. Lily wandered back to her room to find 4 owls perched on the windowsill, a few of which were hooting and tapping their beaks insistently on the glass. She raised an eyebrow quizzically at them.  
"Okay…" she said slowly. She walked over and unlatched the window to let them in, swiftly ducking out of the way as they all swooped gracefully over her head. She watched them circle the room for a moment as they tried to find a good place to perch. One simply flew in, dropped the letter it carried onto Lily's bed and flew straight out again. Another one (a rather small one with grey fluffed up feathers) continued to flap around the room, apparently unable to find a sufficient spot to sit. Lily laughed and offered it her arm, which it took gladly. It ruffled its feathers and stuck its leg out to show her the fastened letter, which was rustling about as the bird continued to groom itself. As soon as she unfastened the string, the owl hopped up her arm and on to her shoulder, where it began to nibble her hair. With both hands now free Lily carefully tore open the envelope and unfolded the letter incased inside it. She recognized the handwriting immediately as her friend Marlene's, and she couldn't help but smile just at the sight of it.

_Dearest Lily,_

_How is my favourite person in the world? By that you do know that I was talking about your lovely sister, right? (Note the sarcasm…) Seriously though, how are you holding up? I've only seen you two together during that week I stayed at yours last summer and trust me; it wasn't pretty._

_I'm so sorry I couldn't send you anything sooner! As you know I've been in Cornwall for the past two weeks (and yes I went with James' family, like I do every year; I know you were thinking it, you little vixen, you) which was nice but it meant that my thick little baby owl here got very confused and by the time he finally arrived with my letter from Mary I had already just assumed that he had flown into a tree or something in his frustration and popped his clogs. (Yes I did just say that, don't laugh I've only been around old relatives for a week and I've already adopted their language)_

_I'll probably be back by the time you read this and it would be great to see you, because I miss you terribly. Don't get cocky; I think the fact that I'm forced to spend so much time with you at school has made me used to having you around so I suppose that's why… Can't say the same for you though, I know you adore my company unconditionally!_

_In all seriousness though, you have to reply quickly because I need to get out of this house! Casper is showing signs of magic again; he made three juice cartons explode over everyone at breakfast yesterday and mum's been going mad because Arthur and Sophie won't stop playing Quidditch in the house (As much as I am proud of them they did steal my broom from the shed and very nearly broke it). She's already quite stressed because of all this war business; she asked James and I to fetch the paper the other day but when we saw the headline it seemed rather bleak so we accidentally-on-purpose bought the Quibbler instead. She wasn't very happy about it but she didn't stay angry with us for long because Arthur managed to distract her by flying into the old grandfather clock in the hallway. It's just the regular mayhem of the McKinnon household but I need to escape it and I need to escape it soon or I'm going to lose my head._

_Your desperate friend,_

_Marlene _

_P.s. Guess who says hi? I'm actually rolling my eyes; I don't even need to tell you that it's James._

Lily laughed as she read; every time she got a letter from Marlene it always made her smile. She scribbled down a reply; agreeing that they should absolutely meet up and asking her to tell Potter to bugger off. She made sure she didn't forget to mention the toad incident, knowing that it would give Marlene a good laugh and tied the letter to the hooting owl on her shoulder. He pecked her ear fondly before fluttering out of the open window.  
A loud familiar hoot caused her to spin around and acknowledge the two other birds in the room; one of which was her own, Nix. He was a handsome barn owl with smooth brown speckled feathers and inky black eyes. The bird next to him was a slightly larger owl with a heart shaped face, which almost gave it a rather sad expression as it gazed at Lily in polite curiosity. It had sooty grey feathers with a white face and it was clinging precariously to the slanted side of Nix's cage, occasionally fluttering its wings whenever it began to slip.

"Hello boy" Lily stroked Nix's beak affectionately which he then opened, tilting his head back expectantly. Lily smiled, dropping a treat into his mouth, which he swallowed in one go. Once she unhooked the letter attached to his leg, he began to sidestep along her chest of drawers towards his open cage. Lily followed him so as to greet the new bird, which cooed softly at her acknowledgment. She gently stroked it with the back of her finger, watching it slowly close its eyes and bow its head in approval. She handed it a treat and unfastened the envelope tied to its outstretched leg.  
Lily turned back towards her bed where the first owl had dropped its letter. She sat down and picked it up, examining it suspiciously. It was written in dark purple ink and it had a professional look about it. She cautiously tore it open and began to read the letter enclosed.

_Dear Miss. Evans_

_We have received intelligence that you performed an advanced conjuring charm at sixteen minutes past eleven yesterday evening, conjuring up a total of 48 toads in the presence of a muggle._

_Although this is certainly impressive and humourous magic, we are regretful to inform you that you have breached the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction for Underage Sorcery and we are therefore inclined to send you an official warning from the Ministry of Magic. _

_Hoping you are well,_

_Dorea Potter_

_Improper Use of Magic Office Ministry of Magic_

Lily scanned the letter over and over, not quite sure what to make of it. It was written as if it should be something very serious but the actual letter itself seemed a little less stern than it ought to be. She had been told that she had disobeyed the law but she had also somehow been indirectly praised for it. She glanced at the name signed with a flourish at the bottom of the letter and realized with a jolt that the witch's last name was _'Potter'_.  
Lily couldn't help but laugh now. She was fairly sure that if it had been any other ministry worker her letter would have been much more strict, but of course she had been reminded many times by Sirius Black and Remus Lupin just how often she had been fondly spoken of by a certain teenage boy in the Potter household. The polite friendliness of the letter was something she was almost certain didn't carry through in all the Ministry's warning letters. She dropped it by her side and moved on to the letter that Nix had brought her. She knew who it was from already seeing as the last person she had sent Nix to deliver a letter to was her friend and fellow prefect, Remus. She unfolded it and began to read.

_Lily,_

_I doubt you'll be surprised in hearing that James was quite jealous when I received your letter earlier and there was no mention of him in it. I don't really blame you though; anything you say could potentially boost his ego into overdrive. _

_(Sirius read that aloud over my shoulder and I just got a shoe thrown at me.) Oh the joys of having such eloquent friends…_

_How has your summer been so far? James said Marlene mentioned meeting up with you at some point whilst they were in Cornwall, so maybe we should all meet in Diagon Alley? I know you're probably still a bit pissed at James after what happened by the lake but obviously he's really keen to make up, so you should still consider coming. Speaking of the lake incident, I hope you're okay after all of that. I heard from Mary that Snape's been hanging around near your house… which is quite creepy in my humble opinion but he's not worth the trouble; it may be a fairly depressing sight to see but he's scum and he doesn't deserve you for a friend. Personally, I'm proud of you for not hexing him but the boys they reckon he still deserves a good bat-bogey._

_(You should consider the bat-bogey idea, lovely Lily it'd be fantastic. Oh, and make sure you take a photograph when you do; love Sirius)_

_He wouldn't leave me alone so there's his ever-so-helpful input on the situation. And of course James says hi._

_See you soon,_

_Remus_

Lily chuckled softly, picturing Remus elbowing a very persistent Sirius out of the way before shortly getting a shoe thrown at his head by an irritated James. Although the scene was amusing and brought a smile to her face, she was still stubbornly refusing to let that affect her current state of annoyance with James. The memory of the 'lake incident', as Remus had put it, was flooding back to her unpleasantly and she wasn't in the mood to have those thoughts poison her mind again. She knew she would forgive James at some point, but she wanted him to suffer for a bit in the hope that he would try to change his attitude (and she was prepared to drag it out as long as she had to in order for him to see that). As for Severus, she didn't even want to _think_ about him. All that did was fill her head with shouts of 'mudblood' and she was sure she'd either end up hexing something in frustration or just completely breaking down all together; neither of which she was particularly keen on.  
The sweet smell of pancakes was beginning to waft in through the crack in Lily's door. She decided she would write back once she had eaten her breakfast, which was positively beckoning her to the kitchen. Placing Remus' letter with the ministry warning, she left her room and went towards the kitchen, beginning to open the fourth letter as she went.

_Evans!_

_As you might have guessed, this is James. Or Potter, as you prefer to call me. Just in case you forgot my first name and got worried you received a letter from a random stranger who happens to know your name._

"Lily, do you want jam on your pancakes?" Lily looked up at her father as she entered the kitchen, taking her usual seat at the table and crossing her legs to avoid touching the cold stone floor.

"Yes please" she replied, temporarily putting James' letter down next to her and reaching for the juice.

"What've you got there?" Petunia grabbed the letter from the table and held it up to her face to read.

"Give that back you dirty thief!" Petunia held the parchment out of her reach as Lily made a jump for it.

"Is this from one of your freak friends?" she said nastily.

Mrs. Evans sighed as she placed the pancakes on the table. "Girls please-"

"Petunia give it to me!" Petunia stood on her chair, keeping the letter above her head as Lily made another grab.

"Ooh, who's James?" Petunia teased, still holding the letter at arms length above her head. Lily climbed onto the table and furiously snatched it from her sister's grip.

"Lily, off the table!" Mr. Evans swatted his youngest daughter upside the head with his rolled up newspaper.

"Try telling _her,_" Lily began indignantly, glaring at Petunia "to keep her hands off my stuff! Then I wouldn't have to resort to jumping on the table in the first place." She hopped off the table and stood angrily on her chair with her arms crossed, using her eyes to stab metaphorical knives into her sister, who was still standing on her own chair looking equally fuming.

"Girls for heaven's sake, sit down!" said Mrs. Evans irritably. "Honestly, you should be old enough to avoid having such childish arguments by now." Both sisters grudgingly obeyed under their mother's deathly stare. "Petunia, don't read your sister's mail. Lily, I really don't want your smelly feet on my table." Lily smirked and Petunia scowled but said nothing. Now that peace was momentarily restored to the table, Lily resumed her reading.

_Firstly I am writing this letter to formerly apologize to you. I know it doesn't need explaining because you already know why you're annoyed with me, but I was a prat. So please forgive me. _

_Secondly, I know for a fact that you will have rolled your eyes at that previous request. In fact you have probably already started planning the rejection letter in your mind so I'd like to try again. I'm really sorry Evans. Please forgive me._

_Did it work second time around? No? Well, I suppose I'm just going to have to convince you in person. How about we all meet up? Marlene said she doesn't mind if we (Sirius, Remus, Pete and I) join you two, as long as you're fine with it. You should think about it; I really want to make up with you Evans, I don't care if you partially hate me unconditionally anyway._

_By the way my owl's name is Amicus. I suggest you become acquainted; he won't leave until I get a proper response, so you had better get started on that rejection letter…_

_Yours most apologetically,_

_Potter_

Lily tried to hide her smile, mostly because next to where James had written 'make up with you' she could just see Sirius' crossed out handwriting next to it saying 'you mean _out_…' with an arrow pointing to the word 'up'.

* * *

Mudblood. It only took one word. One word, after years of standing by and letting them discriminate against innocent people, for Sirius to finally break. If this was what he had to live with, he'd rather live on the streets. He'd rather starve homeless than take shelter in this godforsaken place. He stormed up the stairs, his mind like white noise, his blood pumping furiously through his veins. He couldn't think straight but the only thought that seemed to register was 'I need to get out of this house'. Throwing the door open, he seized his bag from under the bed and began hurling all the belongings he could find into it; books, clothes, photos. Anything he got hold of was tossed unceremoniously into the bag. Hastily fastening the clasps, he hauled it over his shoulder and took one last brief glance at his bedroom before closing the door and tearing down the narrow spiral staircase towards the front door. Just as he reached for the doorknob, a firm hand took hold of his wrist. Sirius froze; the furious, heavy breathing of his father was dancing down the back of his neck making his heart suddenly stop beating for an agonising moment of fear.

"What do you think you're doing?" whispered a low and vicious voice right beside his ear. Sirius took a long breath in and turned around so he was face to face with his glowering father.

"One of my friends is muggleborn." He said in a threatening voice, trying to ignore the fact that his father's grip was beginning to crush his wrist. "I'm not going to stick around and watch you spit out disgusting rubbish about blood status just because you think it's so great to be part of a _'purer'_ family." Orion Black's eyes bore dangerously into his son's, and Sirius glared back at him in determination.

"Sirius what are you-"

"I'm leaving Reg." Sirius interrupted his brother who had appeared by the staircase, and his face went from confusion to anger in a matter of seconds.

"You can't leave Sirius! You belong _here!_" Began Regulus, his voice beginning to rise. "You have to stay here, you… you'll just disgrace this family even more if you leave!" He said desperately, but there was still a strong trace of anger in his words. Sirius didn't answer his brother but looked back at his father in disgust.

"Look what you've done to him!" He accused, his eyes widening in disbelief when his father gave no reaction, only tightened his hold on him. "You make me sick. He's only_ fourteen years old_ dad!"

"Your mother will be distraught! You're becoming the person she always feared you would!" said Orion, shaking his sons wrist in anger.

"Fantastic!" Shouted Sirius with a grin, though there was no trace of happiness in his voice. "She's bloody mental anyway-"

"You are trying to taint this family!" Roared Orion, taking a hold of his son's shirt with his free hand and pushing him roughly against the front door. Sirius felt the back of his head crack painfully against it and he tried to ignore the hot blood beginning to drip slowly down his neck. "Messing with filthy mudbloods! You would rather be a blood traitor than be part of this family?" Sirius kicked his father off him and grasped the doorknob.

"I'd rather be dead than be part of this family." He said darkly. Glancing once more at Regulus whose eyes were filled with betrayal, he opened the front door and stormed into the dark streets outside, slamming it shut behind him as he went.

Sirius didn't stop walking until he reached the end of the street. He leant against a flickering street lamp on the side of the road, trying to catch his breath. His head was throbbing and as he lifted his wrist into the light he found that it was beginning to bruise. All of his anger started to fade away as he came to terms with what had just happened; he had finally left home. He dug into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small mirror, steadily holding it up so he could see his disheveled reflection.

"James Potter" he said clearly, watching carefully as his own reflection began to fade away.

* * *

"Padfoot?" James fished out his two-way mirror from his jean pocket, holding it level with his face as his best friend looked back at him. "Whoa, mate what happened to you?"

"I left" Sirius replied, a frown forming on his pale face, beads of blood making their way down the side of his neck. "I couldn't stand it anymore" James' eyes widened; he didn't need him to explain any further.

"I'm getting dad." He said urgently, dashing out of his bedroom and sprinting down the stairs.

"No, wait!" Sirius said suddenly from the mirror in James' hand. James stopped half way down the staircase and held it up to his face again.

"Sirius, you're bleeding and you have nowhere to go!" he said, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "You can't expect me to just leave you?"

"No, just-" Sirius hesitated, glancing back towards his house in panic. "I don't want any more confrontations." James sighed and nodded.

"I'm getting dad anyway" he said finally, "Maybe you can stay here instead." He carried on running down the stairs and burst into the dining room, where his father was sat contently reading a book.

"James what are you-"

"Dad, Sirius ran away from home!" James quickly interrupted, breathing heavily after sprinting the full length of their large house. Charlus Potter stood up, dropping his book on the table as he did so.

"What?"

"Sirius. He ran away." James said, clutching his side and holding up the mirror for his father to see, but Sirius' face had gone.

"Sirius Black" said James hurriedly, and his face quickly reappeared. Mr. Potter strode forwards and took the mirror from his son's hand.

"Sirius where are you?" He asked calmly.

"Uh, right at the end of Whistler Street in London" Sirius said, looking around; his surroundings had changed since James had spoken to him. Mr. Potter nodded.

"Is there somewhere for me to apparate to you?" He inquired, still keeping his voice steady and calm.

"There're a few trees over here but it's not much to go behind" Sirius said uncertainly.

"That's just fine." Said Mr. Potter. "Head towards them now, I'll be over as soon as I can." Sirius nodded and disappeared again.

"What's going on?" Dorea Potter's voice sounded from the hallway. She hurried into the dining room where her husband and son stood with grim expressions. "James I heard you shouting from upstairs"

"Sirius left home," said her son, pocketing the mirror and glancing at his dad.

"He what?" Mrs. Potters eyes grew wide with fear. "Where is he? Charlus, is he safe?"

"He's out in London now" Mr. Potter informed her, throwing his jacket on. "Don't worry Dore, I'm bringing him here" he assured her in response to her worried expression, quickly pecking her on the cheek as he made his way towards the front door.

* * *

**A/N: **Yaaay first chapter done! This one's kind of short but i hope you enjoyed it and please feel free to review if did, or if you want to talk to me you can always send an ask to my tumblr (deerlovelylily). I'll be probably be uploading the next chapter soon-ish so follow for updates^_^

Molly x


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